Waiting is my villain origin story.

10/30!

if you were really expecting a villain origin story, i'm so sorry to disappoint you, this is just another yap sesh with stargirl Chlo.🙏🏾

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when the devil tries to get you and sees he's failing, he often goes after your thoughts. and most times, it works, even if just for a short while. guard your thoughts, my love, guard them.

there’s something that happens to me often that’s both unsettling and exhausting. let’s say i try to reach someone — calling, texting — and i don’t hear back. after a while, my mind starts imagining the worst, spiraling into worry and what-ifs. a few times, it’s gotten so overwhelming that i’ve started crying. i recently learned there’s a name for this: anticipatory grief. i think my struggles with anxiety play a big part, but this is also where my impatience comes in.

yesterday, one of my favorite people here shared a piece about waiting, and it reminded me of all the times i’ve had to wait. there’s something really painful about waiting, especially when my mind is already spiraling and i just need reassurance. hope and hoping can be really dangerous at times.

growing up, everything in my life moved so fast and smooth. my mum says i started school at 10 months and even had a double promotion. so, life always seemed to keep moving. people would hear my age and go, “wow, your education is so fast.”

but in 2019, JAMB withheld my result. i didn’t really understand what a tough time it was going to be until i had to wait all over again — first for my second JAMB, then for OAU to give me admission. it took almost a year, and it was hell checking my JAMB CAPS, literally every day for a change.

i find it kind of funny, even ironic, that after all that waiting, i’m still a really impatient person. waiting doesn’t calm me down; it actually makes me more anxious, sending me straight into that space of anticipatory grief. my impatience isn’t just about wanting things now; it’s about needing answers to stop the spiral of worry before it takes over. i think that's why i don’t bother waiting at the atm if there's a long queue, because my thought is always, “what if it’s my turn and the money runs out?”

writing this, i wonder why i'm always so scared of the unknown. why can't i just live life, one moment at a time? why am i always scared of loss? why does the thought of abandonment and separation make me so anxious? i literally broke down in tears days ago because i was thinking of life without one of my friends. sometimes, i try so hard to remember — maybe there’s some trauma from my childhood that made me turn out this way, but i can't just remember anything traumatic about my childhood.

maybe it’s because i’ve always felt the need to be in control, to have things figured out so they don’t fall apart. but i'm learning that life doesn’t work that way, and the unknown will always be there, whether i like it or not. maybe the answer isn’t finding control but finding peace in the moments where there isn’t any.

i guess learning patience is also learning trust — in myself, in others, and in what life holds. maybe one day, i'll get there. but for now, i’ll keep trying to guard my thoughts and remember that waiting doesn’t have to mean worrying.

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I hope doesn't look as messy as it does to me, to you. Happy Sunday, my love!❤️