regrets, et al.
i wonder if this is what healing feels like.
“take me back to the night we met, so that i can ghost you, you stupid he-goat."
i saw this line on twitter sometime last week and it was very funny at first. but after a while, i thought about it and realized that maybe, just maybe oh, i could have turned out a little better than i am now, if i didn't meet or get involved with some people. ‘cause, i know for sure that if i had actually ghosted that a few people in 2019, oh, my life would have been so much easier.
normally, i'm of the opinion that i don't have to regret my experiences with people because how else would i have a story to tell?
people say stuff like "mistakes help you grow", "they're lessons not regret" and i know all of that is true. but what if my story was a little bit different from this? it wouldn't hurt anyone if i wished for that, right? i just can't help but wonder if i would have had to struggle with these habits and issues i struggled with if i had stayed away from certain people? would the way my mind worked right now be different if i didn't know some of the things I knew? 1
someone said "why regret something you once loved before? because at least you had the courage to lose yourself in something you wanted?" it's very funny to me now as i write this, because most of us tend to forget that you can actually love something that's bad for you. it's just like lactose intolerance people, it's that same milk that wants to end our lives that we love the most. my dear, you can love something that will ruin you. is it even healthy to lose yourself in the process of loving something or someone?
you shouldn't beat yourself up for not setting better boundaries, my love. you didn't know better and i doubt that anybody makes mistakes on purpose, especially when it comes to people. some of us just love people too much. it doesn't even have to be that you dated the person or something, there are some people that shouldn't even be your friends.
maybe we always think what we're doing at the time is the right choice, when it's in fact, the wrongest of the wrongest choices.2some of us even knew it was wrong, but the stubborn goat in us doesn't just want to budge.
as for me, i'm learning to forgive myself everyday 'cause for a while, i couldn't help but just be angry at myself for my mistakes and the stupid stuff i wasted my time doing. i mean, the way i take my faith walk seriously now, if i had done so four years ago,i know i'd have gone far than where i am right now. i think it's safe to say i'm in my healing era right now, ‘cause God has been very intentional with teaching me about my mental health, emotions and the likes, these days.
but still, if i could undo and unknow some people and things right now, i would, without hesitation. i just know i'd be better for it, 'cause have you ever stumbled on abbreviation/mnemonic online that's supposed to mean something “bad” and it just feels somehow that you know what it means? it's not a good feeling at all.
sometimes i just say "God please, wipe my memory, let me forget these things." that's a prayer that'll probably never be answered, 'cause everything works together for the good of them that love God. sounds cliche, right? i know but it's the truth. believe it or not, everything that happens, happens so that the sovereign plan of God can come to pass in our lives, even if we feel things could have been different.
if you're reading this, it's okay to wish you never had some experiences but you need to let these things go. they don't define you, my love. you're not your mistakes. we've punished ourselves enough, dear sibling, let's give ourselves grace.❤️3
Take Me Back To The Night We Met. 🎶😹💗
It's a good song, listen.👀
i mentioned knowledge here because there are some kind of knowledge can be harmful to your mind at different stages of your life. for example, a child that's being exposed to lewd scenes in movies could become addicted to pornography, if care is not taken. i don't even know if this is a general thing or if it is scientifically accurate, but i tend to remember "bad" things than the good ones. so trust me, when i say, there are some things that you shouldn't know. "you're never too old to be tempted by any sin."
I know what I wrote.😏
I was trying something, that was why I wrote this letter in lower case letter. Don't pay too much attention to it, plix.
❤️