Currently...IV.💗
Jesus is winning but for how long can I hold?
It's 1:25 in the morning as I write this, my body lacking energy but my spirit, so happy. There's no light and once I turn my headphones off, all I can hear is the birds chirping and music blasting from this "lounge" that's not far from my house. Is Lonely at the top this short a song, or my brain has just lost track of time? I've been struggling with lack of sleep for a while now. I don't know why. Anyways, this is day 6 of staying awake all night and struggling with sleep all day.
Hi, my love.
How are you, really? I'm not asking you this question because it's the normal thing to do. I think it's been a while since I asked. I really hope you're doing well and I hope you've had reasons to smile, even if it's from the most mundane of things. Jesus, that doesn't sound right, but I'm going to leave it like that anyway.
I’ve been thinking about you, about writing to you since January till now. It's been such a journey. I can't help but wonder if receiving my letters makes you smile the way writing to you makes me smile. It's kind of surreal for me that you're here. I wonder if you randomly think about me. You know what I realized about writing to you? Sometimes, I find the truth I search for in the letters I wrote to you. In these letters, sometimes I find myself. I've read all my letters from January, about twice now and it feels like God wrote those things through me for my future use. Don't know if this makes sense to you.
It's been 9 months, should I do giveaway? If you say yes, you’ll be our sponsor.😍
Asake’s Remember is such a beautiful song, you guys, ahan.
Sorry sorry, I got distracted.
This August came with this wave of melancholy.
Melancholy seems like a strong word, but I can't find a better word to describe this month. Google says melancholy means a gloomy state of mind, so I know I'm not exaggerating.
I think the weather might have contributed to this, 'cause I can't believe I said I loved gloomy days back in June. Right now? I just want the sun to shine for me!
Right from the start of this month till this moment, it's been a real battle to get things done. I slacked in a lot of things that I did comfortably in July. Normally, I'm a tired, low energy babe but whatever my problem was, it was raised to power 1000. Even to put my thoughts together was a problem. It's still a problem right now, cause why is it now that I'm just writing this letter?
I really don't know where the lack of motivation and energy came from.
Let's not even talk about my mental health, cause it was basically non-existent. Is it the panic attacks, random bouts of sadness that'll threaten to tear my heart out of my chest? The amount of racing my heart did this month ehn.The intrusive thoughts that I couldn't get out my mind? Anxiety is a fat ass liar sha, it has nothing on me. I've also come to terms with the fact that, there are some things that you don't get over, you just learn to live with it. After all, what's grief, if not love persevering?
August was not all that horrible tho. I got new glasses. I was consistent with 100 days of discipleship and trust me when I say my life has been better for it. We have less than 20 days left and I aced all my tests so far. I think I deserve some credits for that. School results came out this month also. I'm so tempted to say "small wins matter too right?"But that my result no be small win. God ATE!
Sorry that I'm mentioning results again, academic validation is therapy for me. 🙏🏾
I remember writing this at the beginning of this holiday period and I'm here to tell you guys that I made very good use of my time! It was overwhelming and tricky at first, cause I wanted to work on a lot of things but with discipline and help from my heavenly daddy, I was able to achieve my goals. I found myself reading self- development books and some C.S Lewis. It was giving Best in Intentionality.😂😂
Earlier this week, I was feeling this guilt that I haven't done enough, especially with the whole lack of energy that hit me this month. But then, I realized that God actually sees and knows me. He knows me so much, gorsh. I'm wired like this, because He made me exactly like this. I bet this sounds so cliche(or delulu), but it's true. I'm not making excuses for myself or anything but I know God understands that I'm human and I'll sometimes have this 'trough" or down moments. I mean, even, Jesus Christ had these moments too.(Luke 19:41, Mark 3:5, John 11:35,43, Mark 14:34)
I'm saying this to let you know it's okay to not be okay. God understands and He'll help you go through that phase! Just allow Him.
One lesson I've learnt this holiday period is that God's love actually chases us down. When God is really ready for you, He'll not leave your neck oh. Honestly, I had a lot of moments where I'd feel like I've drawn back from Him and He’ll just be like “Calm down, I’m here.”
To be honest, I learnt a lot this holiday but these things stood out for me.
As a child of God, I’m not ordinary and this is not even pertaining to my career or my normal life.(I’ll explain sooner or later, if i’m led to, but check here for more details.1)
God allowed me go through some things that I did to draw me closer to Him. I should rest with the regrets and guilt. It's all part of God's sovereign plan!
Obedience in little things prepare you for greater things.
It's okay to let people go, it's okay for people to leave. You might not even be a bad person, some friends are just for a season.
Currently? There's a battle going on in my mind but I'm not scared cause Jesus, the mighty man of war, is here for me and He’s winning. I just want Him to give me enough strength to stand firm. My appetite for music and books has changed, it's very funny but God bless God for that. I'm yearning. Yearning for Jesus. Yearning to love. To love myself and others better. Yearning to read a heartfelt love letter from someone I love. I actually want to be in love, I'm so serious right now but I don't think you’ll believe me. Don't look at me like that, blame Fatima Bala for doing this to me. I'm anxious but very eager to go to school. I've decided that I’m going to be more expressive and vulnerable, we’re no longer bottling stuff up. Sorry in advance to my friends sha.
Overall? I really don't know, I just want to see my friends again! ‘Cause I know part of my problems right now is boredom. I need excitement. Remember when I was in school and my brain was crying "Home, Home, Home."? Now, it's screaming, "Cafe 2, Pharmacy College, Abuad Chapel".
I'll probably wish I didn't go back after the second day of resumption but for now, I'M GOING TO PACK MY BAGS!😍🏌️
It's 2:30 and these people never rest. Wait oh, are they doing vigil?
Anyways, thank you so much reading this week’s yap sesh disguised as a letter. I love you so so much! Till next week, bye.💗
And oh,
Happy new monthhhh! I know you heard it from here first, you're welcomee.🤭 I hope September brings us all the joy and love we deserve!
I'm sure her mouth will probably hurting from the ridiculous amount of time that I've played this video.🤣🤚🏾 We're not ordinary, my love!
Fatima Bala is also doing things to me gosh😂😭
I also feel like being in love too and it’s because of her book “Broken”.😂😂
After spending many months at school, i never feel like going back to school. Although I miss my friends but facetime would do abeg.😂
I could relate to your newsletter. I'm glad you were able to achieve some things this holiday. And you've been consistent with 100 DOD damnn. I'm nowhere close to being consistent.😭 Anyways, this was a good read. Well done!🤩
I read this at 5am, Sept 1st. This particular letter ehn, totally enjoyed it.