The fall of a man.

Dear November.[2/30]

9:20AM

my room is on the last floor of my hostel. as a matter of fact, it’s the very last room in my hostel. if i had waited a little longer before clicking on the portal that day, i wouldn’t be here. well, that’s a story for another day.

i heard my course rep tell someone weeks ago that fetching water from the ground floor to the top floor every morning feels like a death sentence. that was such a funny, but very true statement. i was on the stairs this morning, getting water from the floor below mine, and i imagined myself falling on the stairs. immediately, i shook my head, rebuking that thought.

but think about it, my love. is the fall of a man really not his end? if i fall on the stairs, won’t that be my end? i mean, if by any chance i don’t die, won’t i suffer brain damage?

4:44PM

i wrote some tests today, and while i didn't do as well as i would have loved to, i realized two things. one, i’m always underestimating my abilities and efforts, and two, i’ve grown so much in the way i'm confident in myself. this sounds like two different things, but i understand what i'm saying. i hope you do too.

7:44PM

i'm finally on my way back to the hostel. i didn’t fall today. you're probably wondering, "oh, does she fall every day?" no, i don’t. not every day, at least, 'cause i'm a very clumsy person. you don’t want to know, but i've had so many bad falls in my life. there was one i had in the hostel’s bathroom two years ago — my goodness, it was nasty!

8:35PM

now, to answer the question i asked earlier: the fall of a man could be his end, in some cases. like, falling on the stairs or from a high-rise building. but, when it comes to making mistakes in life or in our walk with God, a fall doesn’t necessarily mean our end. yes, i know, some mistakes might be very costly, and we might not be able to fully bounce back from them. regardless, we're not meant to dwell and wallow in our mistakes. i know how crippling guilt can be; i've been there, countless times.

but there’s something called gutsy guilt. it’s when you come to realize that your mistakes or failures don’t define you or your relationship with God. the easiest thing when we fall is to avoid God, right? we somehow believe we're too “dirty” for God’s presence. but,my love, how will a child that messed herself up with poop get clean if she keeps running from her mother, the one who will clean her up?

funny how i got this inspiration while staring at the rails in my college. let me tell you a little secret before i end this letter: i like to stay away from rails as much as possible, 'cause anytime i go near them, my imagination goes wild!

typing this just made me realize that i might have a fear of falling or failing.

if you fall, my love, you're expected to rise.

again and again.