Peaks and Troughs.

Highs and lows.

In my last "currently" letter, I wrote about how I was feeling very unmotivated and tired. That was back in August and I'm here to tell you guys that nothing had changed.

See, I have prepared so much for this moment that it doesn't make any sense that I still feel this tired.

Remember that period I was sending letters on Fridays instead of Saturdays? That was a time of preparation. I was "retreating".

And you know what they say, "agbo to tadi seyin, agbara lo lo mu wa." This means, the ram that moves backwards has gone to bring more power.

In all honesty, I thought retreating meant coming back with full force and unstoppable energy.

So, the fact that I'm still struggling to do the basics, is just so frustrating. I'm not even as creative as I want to be and oh God, I prayed oh.

So, what was all that effort for then?

Everything falls back to TRUST, when you think about it.

This time around, it's not a matter of "do I trust God?", I think it's one of "how am I trusting God?"

I don't know how to explain, but I'm actually just realizing, as I write this, that I may have put more trust in my prayers than in God, Himself. Funnily enough, I'm writing this in church.

He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs—to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best.

I've read this paragraph so many times, over and over again, but this morning, it's like I'm just seeing it for the first time.

Let me give an example to make you understand what C.S Lewis is saying there.

During the holiday, I had an accountability system for planning, that ran for three months. My holiday was so productive and I felt like, truly I have mastered the art of planning. Unfortunately, since classes started, I haven't planned my week, not even once. I was too dependent on the accountability system and I didn't even realize it.

(Please note that this is not a very good example, because we definitely can't be too dependent on God

See, this is how our journey with God works. First, He holds your hands, as you journey in faith. Tells you literally everything to do! But at a point, He leaves your hand and allows you to learn how to walk. He allows us to learn how to be still and wait, till He gives instructions.

Don't get me wrong, God will always guide and teach us as Christians, but you should know that He will not always "baby" you.

I mean, for toddlers to walk properly, you need to leave their hands and let them try. They'll stumble and fall a couple of times, but in the end, they'll learn how to walk on their own.

This is such a trough period for me and I'm really struggling in things that I'll do easily, because of this lack of motivation.

But, all I just have to do is surrender. I have to be able to acknowledge that, that "high" I'm looking for, can only be found in God, not in books or any other thing that might seem like a great alternative. Isn't it funny and ironic that the strength I need to do my basic daily devotion can actually only be found in and sponsored by God? Even, the fact that I'm not satisfied with how I am right now is a proof of God's working on my heart.

To be honest, throughout last week, I felt a writer's block coming, but the fact that I'm writing this right now, is further proof that God is really all I need. You know, I already decided that I wasn't going to send a letter this weekend, but suddenly, I got a word for this letter during worship in church.

My love, we actually need to learn how to sit still and listen. This might not even necessarily mean listening to God. We just need to sit and observe, listen to my thoughts and people, 'cause how else would we get inspired?

Anyways, I really hope this period doesn't drag on for too long but I’m planning to enjoy it while it lasts. I will no longer let how I feel at the moment determine if my acts of service are substantial or not.

That's for God to decide, for real.

I don't know why but when I write things like this, it feels like I'm making excuses for myself. I don't know if it's like that to you, but that's how I feel. Nevertheless, I find it so comforting that I can write to you. It's such a nice feeling that I can share my worries with you, my love.

Thank you so much for always being here, despite my unseriousness!

Till next week, bye!❤️