My executives were not functioning.

If my life were a company, the Board of Directors would have fired the CEO months ago. This is a letter from the interim management on how we’re rebuilding.

They say the “Executive” is the part of the brain that gets things done. For the last few months, mine has been on an indefinite, unpaid leave of absence. People talk about burnout like it’s a flickering candle. For me, it felt more like being dropped into a war zone,realizing, too late, that I was completely unarmed. I could see the bullets coming, deadlines, expectations, responsibilities,but I had no way to shield myself or fight back.

So let’s take it back to the beginning.

I started this year on a good note. I was consistent, with my devotion, with prayer, with the things that grounded me. There was structure. There was intention. I felt like myself. Then somewhere in the middle of exams, everything shifted. I got sick and I got tired. And this was not the kind of tired that sleep fixed.I told myself it was just burnout. That I needed rest. So I rested.

But nothing changed.

In fact, those days in my room turned into something heavier. I found myself stuck, thinking, overthinking, doing nothing, and feeling worse because of it. It wasn’t that I didn’t know what to do. It was that I couldn’t make myself start, or continue, or sometimes even care enough to try. And the saddest part was watching my own life slowly fall apart from a distance, unable to do anything about it.

There were times I felt like a victim of my own problems. Sometimes I would be in a place of prayer, and it was so difficult for me to concentrate. All I could say was, “Oh God, please help me, I can’t help myself.” Because after all, someone who is drowning cannot save themselves. And yes, there were many times I felt like I was drowning, and I couldn’t pull myself out.I think one of the biggest problems was that I suffered in silence for a very long time. I just felt like nobody would understand what I was going through.

If I were to name it, I would say it was a combination of burnout and executive dysfunction. Executive dysfunction is more like a clinical or therapy term, often linked to ADHD—attention deficit hyperactivity disorder—or similar conditions. And, then there was depression. Because every morning I woke up, the first thought in my head was: “When does it end?” No motivation. No will to do anything. Just existing and waiting for the day to pass. And I just knew, this is what it is.

One thing I’ve learned through all of this is that anger is a poison. Bottling things up doesn’t help. And it’s important to guard your heart, what you allow in, what you carry, what you expose yourself to.

At some point, I couldn’t stay silent anymore. So I spoke up. I told a friend one random morning. I said it plainly, as it was, that I wasn't okay. And I also spoke to someone I look up to and we talked at length. She told me she had realized that social media can be very toxic. That constantly consuming negativity slowly builds anger. And that anger, if unchecked, turns into sadness.

If you know me, you know that one of my favourite apps is Twitter. I love it because it has shaped my thinking in many ways. But I had to be honest with myself, it was affecting my mental health. Most of the time, it was one negative thing after another. Stories of injustice, violence, pain—things that naturally make you angry.

The problem is, not everything is yours to react to. Not everything is yours to carry. But when you keep taking it in, it changes how you see the world. You become more cynical.

But I’ve also learned that anger isn’t entirely bad. Sometimes it’s necessary. Sometimes you need to speak up. It is important that you "crash out" sometimes. It is important that when people do things that you don't like, you speak up. Because when you keep keeping things to yourself, it builds resentment within your heart, which is mostly harmful to your own mind and not even the other person. Most of the time, people just do things and move on with their lives, while you are left there bottling up that anger and letting it rot your peace.

So I made a decision. I deleted Twitter. Immediately. Without overthinking it. And yes, the fear of missing out was real. But I did it anyway. And I feel better for it. Because I’m not constantly angry anymore. I can live my life without that constant background noise.

Another thing this person told me was about gratitude. That maybe I had stopped seeing reasons to be grateful because of everything I was consuming and carrying. That day, as I was leaving her place, I kept saying, “Thank you, God. I do not take my life for granted.” Because I started thinking back, and I just felt… foolish. For forgetting the mercies of God. Turns out I and the Israelites are alike.

There is not one person that beats God when it comes to intentionality. And His love runs wider than all your mistakes, your setbacks, your dark seasons. I was reading my devotional recently, and it spoke about how sometimes in dark seasons, you have to learn to hide in cave, not in avoidance, but in stillness. In dependence. In reflection.I think that’s what this season has been. I’m learning once again that the God on the mountains is still God in the valley. The God of the peaks is the God of the troughs.

C.S. Lewis in his book, “The Screwtape Letters”, writes about these "trough" periods in the spiritual life. He explains that God (the "Enemy" in the eyes of the demons in his book) allows these troughs because He doesn't want to just override our wills. He wants us to learn to walk. Lewis writes:

"He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs—to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish... Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

That part about duties having "lost all relish" hit home. That is what executive dysfunction feels like, the relish, the desire, the motivation is gone. But the intention remains.

Everything feels like a battle. But I know where I stand. I’m trying to rebuild. I think my executive function—my ability to simply do things—is slowly coming back. I’m putting structures in place again. I deleted Twitter. I reduced what I expose my mind to. I’m trying to return to my devotion again, consistently, maybe not perfectly, but intentionally. Even school itself… I’m putting structure in place again because tests are looming.

Honestly, I don’t know what the ending of this season looks like yet. Sometimes I still worry about time, about what feels like time wasted. But I also know something else now: that all things work together for the good of those who love God.

And I do love God, it's all I know.

If my life is a company, then maybe this is what interim management looks like: not a perfect turnaround, but small, steady decisions that move things in the right direction again.

Hi, my love! How are you doing? It’s been a long while.