Lover issues?

Hi my love, how are you doing?

I hope your heart is light and your mind is at peace.

How was your week?

This week was very exhausting with the dangerous papers I wrote. I took an unhealthy amount of coffee, as usual, and now I think I’m dealing with the aftereffects. My body and my mind feels so restless. But despite all that, I’m grateful. My exams are finally over. It feels so surreal, you know, how fast my journey in pharmacy school is going. Sometimes, I pause and think, Wow, I’m really doing this. And that thought makes me glad.

Hallelujah Challenge started this week I’ve been able to join from the beginning till today, and that in itself feels like such a gift. It’s been a reminder of how much I need moments of worship and prayer in the middle of everything else: school, exhaustion, over-caffeination, and all.

And yes, I'm going home tomorrowwww! By the time you read this, I’ll probably be on my way home. I’m so so happy to leave this place.

Earlier today, I remembered a conversation I had with someone weeks ago, that made me reflect on something about my relationship with God. This person mentioned now she sees her relationship with God as that of a lover. She said it’s because, for a long time, she searched for love in the wrong places. She used to yearn for love so deeply that, when she finally found it in God, it became the way she understood Him best. And when she said that, I felt like I was looking into a mirror. Because same, girl, same.

For me, God has always felt like a lover—the kind that reassures, whispers in the quiet, and holds me steady when I’m scared. The kind that leaves love notes in Scripture, ones I read and think, This is for me. That reassurance has been the most precious part of my faith—the way He constantly reminds me not to be afraid, the way He finds ways to make sure I know I’m loved.

But realizing this also made me wonder: Why? Why is my relationship with God shaped like this? This person sees Him as a lover because of her past search for love. Does that mean I have “lover wounds” abi "lover issues" too? And I can’t even deny that, years ago, I searched for love in places I shouldn’t have. And I can’t ignore the way my heart still longs for that kind of love.

Love, romantic love, in particular has been something I’ve longed for, maybe even in ways I didn’t fully understand at the time. And if that longing has been a big part of my life, then of course it makes sense that it would shape how I experience God. If love has felt like something I had to search for, something uncertain or elusive, then finding it in God must have felt ike a kind of homecoming. A safe place. A love that won’t fail you the way human love sometimes does.

Oh no, don't get me wrong, there's love at home. Like mad.

But maybe that’s why I hold onto this version of God so tightly—because He loves me in the way I’ve always longed to be loved. Maybe it’s not about “lover issues” in the way I'm thinking about it. Maybe it’s just that love has always been central to my heart’s desires, and God, in His kindness, has met me there. And at the same time, He’s inviting me to see Him in all the ways He is—lover, father, teacher, friend.

‘Cause, you see, God is bigger than any perception I have of Him. He is more than just a lover. But that perspective can also make His other aspects—like being a Father, a Teacher, and even a Disciplinarian(Hebrews 12 vs 6)—feel harder to embrace. When He doesn’t give the reassurance I crave, or when He corrects me in ways that don’t feel like love in the way I expect, it’s disappointing. Teaching me lessons I don't want to learn feels almost like being jolted out of a dream where everything is soft and tender into a reality where love also means discipline, challenge, and moments of silence. I find myself caught off guard, disappointed, like I expected one thing and got another.

But love isn’t always soft, I guess.

It isn’t always about reassurance. And maybe part of my journey is learning to embrace all the ways God shows up for me—not just the ones I like, but the ones I need.

So, yeah, I’m still figuring it out. But for now, I’m grateful. Grateful that God meets me where I am. Grateful that He is love itself, even when it doesn’t always look the way I expect.

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And oh, happy Valentine's.❤️