Love abiding.
17/30!
To love is to risk sorrow. I learnt this the day I lost you, Keye.
Prior to that time, I had an epiphany one day. That day I realized that the end-point of loving someone is grief, whether you like it or not. Even if you get married to your soulmate and you grow old together with them, one person will die first and what does that bring to the other person? G.R.I.E.F!
This made so much sense to me after you were gone. The fact that I could wake up even in the middle of night with an ache in my chest, reminding me of a beautiful memory of you, even after months after you were gone. I hear you in songs, see in you in movies and even smell you in perfumes. I hear people sing certain songs and all I can think of is you, singing with so much joy in your eyes.
I basically have to live with this grief forever, Keye. Our time together, even though short, is worth this anguish.
But before you, Keye, there was Temi.
Before I lost you, I thought I knew what heartbreak was. I thought I was already familiar with grief. Crazy how I didn't even know the feeling was grief then. I just knew I was feeling something. I just knew it was loss and it hurt so much.
I loved Temi so much, with the innocence of my youth. We laughed, we danced, we smiled. Oh, my heart danced, Keye, so much. Fate had other plans sadly and one very random afternoon, Temi walked away, leaving me shattered.
The ache I felt then was overwhelming and it was a piercing reminder that love could hurt. Over time, time healed the wound and I moved on, or so I thought.
When I lost you, Keye, the grief came back and it was different, stronger and deeper. I wonder how the Yoruba people thinks a dead child is far better than a lost child. 'Cause, Keye, the thought that I won't see your bright smile anymore, breaks my heart over and over again.
You could have just broken my heart, K. I have questioned so many times, whether love was worth the risk, but memories of our joy and laughter convinced me it was. I miss you, K, so much. I miss you calling me "aburo mi atata", even when I was years older than you. Grief has made me look for you everywhere and in everything.
Quoting the words of Queen Elizabeth II, "Grief is the price we pay for love".
I had two people in mind, as I wrote this.
Everytime, I think about what could have been.
I can't help but think of what I could have said right or done right. Sometimes, it gets so hard for me to bear. On those days, there's really no bright side to this feeling, you just sit and wallow in the dark. On some days, the guilt of trying to move on suffocates me and on the other days, I'm trying hard to love with this grief.
Truly, the depth of our love is often matched by the depth of our sorrow, and mine seems boundless. I'll embrace it tho, since grief is nothing but, love abiding. The ache in my chest as I write this is a piercing reminder that love and grief are entwined.To know love, my dear, is to know grief.
I had a beautiful day, regardless, how was yours?