I’m not desperate enough.

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.”

— Psalm 42:1.

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I’m not desperate enough.

There is this level of desperation that I’ve seen people show that I kind of covet. Maybe not covet, but I admire it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a very ambitious person, and I am goal-oriented. And because of that, because of the goals that I have, which are big goals, by the way, I am a staunch believer of working hard. I don’t believe that things just happen. I believe in the work of my hands and I believe in God. But I don’t think I’m desperate enough to want something and do everything, everything possible, to get that thing. By all means. Whether right or wrong. Whether moral or immoral. Whether legal or illegal.

This is why I think I’m not desperate enough.

I have seen situations where people I know were qualified for something. I believed they were going to get it. But because they weren’t so sure, or they didn’t believe in themselves as much as I believed in them, they tried to look for illegal means to achieve those things. I’ve seen it play out so many times, and I just wonder, wow, you must be so desperate.

And I don’t think I am desperate enough.

Because even though I am ambitious and I want to achieve things, I think I’ve come to realize that sometimes you can’t control the results. It’s probably a side-effect of having so many waiting period. I have learnt that you can’t control what happens. That, although my efforts are important, my life is not exactly in my hands. So I’m not desperate enough to try and do everything I can to achieve something. Why should I even be that desperate, though, when I can just rest and rely on God? Yes, it sounds lazy, I know.

But then there are times when some things happen, and I’m just like, is it because I did not try and make this thing work by all means?Naturally, I’m a tired person. And it’s not even just physical. I get tired of things easily. If I’m pursuing something and it doesn’t seem to work out, I lose interest very easily. I’m not good at chasing things, or people, for so long.

So I just feel like I lack that sense of desperation to an extent. I admire it in people, although I don’t think I would want it. Because there’s a thin line between being desperate and… I don’t know… just trying to do things by all means. I don’t know the exact word for that.

But then there is one thing that I am desperate for.

God.

It might sound cliché. Or I don’t know, why do we always set God into everything abi?

But since this year started, I’ve just found myself yearning for God. I can’t even lie, honestly. I’m trying to find God in everything, everywhere. Literally. I’m desperate. It’s just what I want.

I was reading A.W Tozer the other day. By the way, you guys, I love A. W. Tozer. I love him so much. Anyway, I was reading his book, and he said something about the fact that every pursuit of God that man has originates from God. He says that God is always previous. I mean, it’s literally said that we love God because He first loved us. So every longing, every reaching, it starts with Him.

And I was thinking about that, thinking about my “desperation” for God, and it became a wonder to me. God loves me sooo much, and because of that, I’m loving Him this much.It doesn’t make sense. Logically, it really doesn’t. Honestly, it feels like I’m just rambling at this point.

Well, I think I’m not desperate enough. I mean, if you know me, you would really think that I’m not desperate enough. But then, right now, I’m desperate for the one thing that matters. And I think that’s okay.