As a child, everything went very fast and smooth for me. According to my mom, I started school at 10 months. I even had a double promotion once. Now, that I think about it, I didn't even realize then that my life was moving at a fast pace. It was just normal for me. I remember, in SS2, I calculated that by 21, I'd be done with uni and I'll probably get married at 24 or 25. Fast forward to SS3, life came at me so fast that I couldn't believe it. I didn't even fail my exam, they just withheld my result. So many times, I asked what I could have done so wrong that made me deserve that. My love, those were dark times.
My mind keeps wandering back to that time and I'm not sure what it means or why I can't let go.
See, it took me a very long time to get here and I'm forever be grateful for this gift. School has been overwhelming for a while now and I feel like I've been so ungrateful, most especially this month. I was disappointed by a couple of things and I can't seem to shake this feeling of disappointment off. I was so on edge this week and I cried a lot! I took a walk to med side(sorry, if you're not in ABUAD) on Thursday and it's one of the best things I've done for my mental health in a while.
One thing I came to realize during that walk is that God has not brought me this far to just bring me this far. I remembered when I was in 100 level last year, I was so scared of being dropped from my department. One afternoon, the Holy Spirit dropped a word in my heart, He said "do you really think I'll make you wait so long for this for them to now drop you?” I've held on to that word tightly ever since then. It might seem hard and draining at the moment but just know that God did not bring you this far for you to be stuck here. Our God is a God of progress!
“Is it going to get better? At the end of this semester, will I tell myself that I've done a great job or I've wasted my time here, yet again? Will my efforts yield the deserved results this time around? Am I always going to feel stuck here? Will this dark cloud of melancholy ever stop hovering over my head? When will the sun shine for me? When will all these end?” What are the answers to these questions? When will I get the answers to these questions? I just can't help but wonder.
And as I wonder, I realize it's okay to wander and get lost. We're humans and it’s kind of in our nature to get lost once in a while. I watched All the bright places again last week and a particular part stood out for me. Violet said and I quote;
“And that's because of Finch. Because he taught me to wander. He taught me that you don't need to climb a mountain to stand on top of the world, and even the ugliest places can be beautiful - as long as you take the time to look. And it's okay to get lost, as long as you find your way back.Finch taught me that there's beauty in the most unexpected of places, and that there are bright places even in dark times. And that, if there isn't, you can be that bright place with infinite capacities.”
I have come to realize that while wandering and getting lost in your thoughts, you can discover some beautiful things and you’ll just realize that your situation/ life might not be as bad as you think it is. While writing this, I remembered this song I like to sing at home and the last line says “ when my way is dark, always let me see something in my heart that thou has done for me.” Like, you’ll literally just stumble on one beautiful memory and that would be exactly what you need to remember at the time. I think this is one of God's ways to find us. After all, all that is gold does not glitter and not all those who wander are lost. I don't even think there’s an extent to which you can get lost and God won't find you. Yesterday, someone gave me a word and she concluded it with “God loves you and He knows you”. I felt so reassured, I can't even explain it.
This letter seems so chaotic and I’m not sure where this is headed or what the purpose is. I’m not sure why I’m writing, or why I keep writing. I’m really never sure of anything, anything but the fact that I’m going to keep writing, keep writing to you, keep writing for me, keep writing for God.
I hope that in this new week, you’ll be rest assured that when your heart is so heavy and you're confused or lost, God is with you. It's part of the human condition, it's a phase and it will pass. It might not be as fast as you want it to be but it will pass. Thank you so much for being here. I love you and God loves you more!❤️
Yesssss!❤️
This is amazing 😍