Dear November.
you were a wild ride!
Dear November,
One would think because you were my birth month, the universe will just decide to make things easier for me. You were a such rollercoaster of emotions, a paradox of joy and pain.
As we got to the middle of the month, I found myself struggling to write – something that has always brought me solace and joy. The words wouldn't come, and the pain of not being able to express myself was overwhelming.
Anxiety crept in, wrapping its suffocating arms around me. The root of it all was the overwhelming realization that I'm now a full-blown adult, yet I feel stuck in a child's life. The responsibilities of adulthood loom large, but the comforts of childhood – the simplicity, the freedom, the security – still linger. School work and matters of the heart only added to the turmoil, leaving me feeling lost and uncertain about my place in the world.
Confusion was my constant companion, and I yearned for clarity. I felt like I was wandering through a dense fog, unable to see more than a few steps ahead. There were times when it felt like I was drowning, unable to catch my breath. Just a few hours before my birthday, I broke down in tears, feeling like I was at my breaking point.
On my birthday morning, something shifted. As the anxiety tried to rear its head again, I prayed – really prayed on my seat in front of my class– for the first time in a long time. I told God I didn't want to feel that way anymore, and funnily enough, my mind has been at rest ever since. It's been so weird that I still can't believe it. It was like a switch was flipped, and the anxiety just... stopped. This evening, I found myself asking, "has this thing stopped just like that?"
My birthday itself was a beautiful reminder of the love and support that surrounds me. The handwritten notes from friends, the heartfelt voice notes, and the celebratory messages all warmed my heart. The handwritten notes showed me that my friends have been paying attention and I love it for us! I received a voice note from Ijay, who said she saw that I needed reassurance. She reminded me of who I am – a fighter. Her words were a balm to my soul, and I've been holding onto them tightly.
One voice note, in particular, stood out – someone had sent a recording of a friend expressing their surprise that I'm the one who writes these letters. They said it's like I'm an entirely different person when I write. It made me smile, knowing that my writing can touch hearts in ways I never thought possible.
It was a normal day,I attended classes and stayed back to read in the college, until 9pm. I had my one and only meal that day, around 10pm. But the love I received made it extraordinary.
All my life, I always wrote exams or tests on my birthday. But this year, I didn't. Should I take that as a sign?
My birthday showed me that, no matter how invisible you think you are, people see you!
Two conversations with my friend, Gracious, stand out in my mind as I reflect on November. I was complaining to him about someone and he reminded me to act like an adult and set boundaries. In another conversation, he encouraged me to learn to do things for myself. He used my birthday cake as an example – I bought a red velvet cake, even though I prefer vanilla. It was my birthday, I should have gotten what I liked.
You see, one of the things I admire about Gracious, is his unwavering commitment to speaking his truth. He says what he means, without apology or pretension. It's a quality I aspire to have, one that requires courage and vulnerability. I often find myself caring too much about what others think, but my friend's example reminds me that true freedom lies in being unapologetically myself. He is truly special to me – his presence in my life is a gift, and I always always cherish our conversations.
(Okay, that's enough famzing.)
Most of all, November, you reminded me that even when it doesn't feel like it, God is near. Always. In the midst of anxiety and uncertainty, He was there, whispering words of comfort and peace. I'm grateful for the reminder that I'm not alone, that I have a God who loves me and cares for me deeply.
As I bid farewell you, I'm looking forward to the nostalgia of December. This month holds a special place in my heart, as it marks the anniversary of a life-changing encounter five years ago. It's a reminder of the journey I've been on, and the growth I've experienced. I'm still recovering from that era, but I'm grateful for the lessons learned and the strength gained.
Thank you, November, for the lessons, the tears, the love, the adventures (those that know know) and the growth.
I'm ready to welcome December with an open heart.
Lots of love from this little fighter,
Chloe.❤️
Happy new month, my love! Thank you for your kind words and wishes on my birthday, I’m so blessed to have you!I'm sorry if I didn't reply your text or comments, I got overwhelmed at a point and I had to do away with my phone. Know that I’m so so grateful!
I hope that December brings you and I, the joy that we truly deserve!Thank you for coming this far with me. I do not take it for granted.🫂❤️
How was November for you, I want to know.