Currently...✨
Joy in Chaos?
Hi hi, my love. How are you doing today and how was your week? Nothing has changed for me from last week, sha. Better days are ahead anyways.
Hope you've thanked God today? If you haven't, drop that phone and say a word of thanks to Him.
So, I noticed that, apart from the little stories about myself that I wrote in the previous letters, I've not really said anything about myself here. You guys probably only know my name.😂 So, I've decided that once in a while, probably once in a month, I'll be doing this currently thing, where I'll update you guys about my life and me.
I said it last week that my mental health took a huge dip, right? This week, I think my mental health has disappeared because broo, I was soo in my head this week. I couldn't turn off my brain.
This week started with this imposter syndrome thing. The last letter got so many beautiful responses from people and I just started feeling like a fraud, because I feel like I don't even know what I'm doing. I was reading one night this week and I got so tired but then I remembered that I had people that believed in me and my abilities and I got so sad. I can't even give up in peace. There's also this fear of telling people to do things, meanwhile I'm not doing it myself. I don't know where this fear came from and I really don't think that fear should be anybody's motivation to do anything.
I was so hard on myself this week and it wasn't so nice.
I'm a Pharmacy student in 200 level and it's examination period. This semester has been hectic, generally and most times, I just wanted to run away.
This week came with a different shade of shege. My plan for this week was to just be in the hostel and be preparing gradually for exams but my college decided to do their normal thing. I'm studying this course to save lives, but apparently, it wants to take my life.
From keeping up with lectures, that were supposed to end last week to reading for my remaining tests and exams, I’ve been struggling. I don't know how but my body has somehow adapted to the situation, 'cause most of the time, I'm wide awake. My mind is so stressed and I zone out so easily, especially during conversations with people.
I was taking to a friend yesterday and she said " I hope you remember that there was a time in your life, that being here was your only prayer point, this Pharmacy was the only thing you wanted." After hearing that, it just felt like, if I don't do my very best, it just means I've taken God's gift for granted. More pressure on my neck, kai!
The weather? I'm just grateful for my successful journey to Canada.✋🏾 Yesterday, I had to boil water as early as 3am, so that I won't freeze while trying to bath with cold water. Tuff life!
A lot of things annoyed me this week. Maybe it was the stress because things that were not even my business annoyed me.😂 I didn't express how I was feeling most of the time anyways, as the human bottle of emotions that I am.
Good things happened this week. It wasn't all that bad. I’m exactly where I'm meant to be. I'm surrounded by amazing people. I felt and looked good in my own skin. Got some of my C.A results and I did pretty good. My concentration span is not all that bad anymore. I feel very proud of myself with the fact that I'm writing this letter right now, it's giving consistency, yeah? I prayed and studied my bible, no matter how tired I was. I journaled. Certain things don't sit right with me any longer and I'm making efforts to drop them. Times are hard but I'm being responsible. I'm alive. Not to toot my own horn but me sef don try.
Currently, I'm in love with Jesus. I'm overwhelmed, choked in doubt, I feel like a fraud. So many thoughts. Sleep deprived. A little bit frustrated. Blasting Anendlessocean and Stephen Sanchez (don't ask). The cold is entering my bones, I can feel it. Drowning in my books. Reading a novel, even though I can't afford to but I can't kill myself. Overall? Stable.
Currently? It's chaotic asl within and without but I have joy in chaos.
Regardless, God is in control, I'm just so assured that He is good and His plans for me are good. I don't know your current situation or whatever you're feeling right , just know that God is in control. Let His love calm your fears. He brought you to it and He'll bring you through it.
I really hope this wasn't boring to read, my love. Till next Saturday, I love youu, bye!
* I hope the next time we fall, we fall into place.
My roommate read this quote to me and I luvvit!
*My exams begin on Monday, you people should pray for me oh. I need all the strength in the world cause my schedule is bloody! If you're writing exams soon or you've already started, I pray that God grants you great strength, understanding and retention.
1st John 2 vs 20 I have an annointing from the holy one and I know all things.
*I came across this TikTok video that had this caption.
"When your exam anxiety gets so high that your brain starts revising on its own."
It just made so much sense 'cause can anyone explain to me why I'm trying to sleep and homeostasis is ringing in my head? 😭