April?

My love,

I think I might be sad. Like, really sad. Not just tired or overwhelmed or hormonal. I mean... sad sad. Or maybe it is just hormones. I honestly can't tell. You know, as a girl, your reproductive system is always playing tricks on you.

But this month, I felt a lot. And also nothing. And I’ve wanted to be alone more than usual. Not the usual I’m introverted kind of alone. I mean proper “I don’t want to see anybody, talk to anybody, attend anything” kind of alone. Even things I would usually enjoy just felt so... draining.

Social energy? Nonexistent. I barely survived my college dinner—did I even tell you I went for that? It was so anxiety-inducing for me.😂

Anxiety has always been a familiar face, but this month it brought sadness with it. Or maybe the sadness brought anxiety. I don’t know who came first. But they both sat with me, uninvited, every day.

This month, there was this feeling like my intelligence was being questioned. Not book smarts—nah. I don't have to prove that to anyone, not really. But the other kind... my insight, my discernment, the way I see life and people, the way I feel things. I started doubting it all this April. Some people made me feel like I didn’t know what I was saying or seeing and it hurt. Felt like I was invisible and underestimated. I think it’s wild how something small can make you question so much.

I had a crazy creative high at some point this month. For like, a week, I felt on top of the world. I was writing so much, thinking so fast, feeling so alive. But now... I'm burnt out. I can’t even finish what I started- Onyinye's story. Trust me, I know how that story ends, but I just don't have the strength to continue.

Good news is I've read 40 books this year. As in 10 books per month. Like... what? Who does that? I do, apparently. That made me smile a little. So clap for me, my love Just a little round of applause in the corner, thank you.

Also, I started watching The Vampire Diaries again, and it’s been messing with my schedule. Damon, Stefan, Klaus—too fine. I've even begged my friend, Gracious, to text me to close the tab and read my book. Because desperate times call for desperate measures.

And you see this school and result wahala? They said they’d release it this month. They haven't. And even though I’ve already kind of seen mine, I need the real thing out. I want to put it on my portal. I think I need it for closure, or motivation, or both.

ABUAD students are wicked, my love. I had this incident with my hanger- my hanger was bad- another wicked girl broke it- and I needed to rest it on something. A girl had an empty hanger in a free space. I tried to use it. And she said I should carry my hanger away. Said she didn’t care. I was so shocked and I just thought, If it were me, I’d have helped, cause that's like a very basic act of consideration, but then again, that's just me.

Regardless, through all this—this month that felt like quicksand—I’ve felt a quiet sense of peace. Not because life’s been smooth. It hasn’t. But because I feel like God sees me. Like He still remembers me. I talk to Him more now. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I don’t even have words. But I know He listens.

It’s been comforting, knowing He relates with me not just based on who I am now, but who He already knows I’ll become. That version of me feels so far, but He sees her. That helps.

And lastly... I don’t want to be strong. I'm tired. I don’t want to be the one who always pushes through. I want to be held. I want people to notice when I’m tired, and not expect me to just bounce back. I don’t want to be “resilient”. I want to be soft. I hate to say this, but I want to be small.😂 I want rest.

So yeah. That was April. Confusing. Beautiful. Heavy. Still unfolding.

But I lived it.

Happy new month, my love.

May was a beautiful month!❤️

---

How was April for you?